I have sat down at the computer umpteen times over the last few days with the determination to produce at least a brief post....either a wee one is suddenly in desperate need of my help or I feel guilty thinking about the state my house is in, etc and shut it off. Seldom do I post any more because ...well, you know, life is busy, but I am anxious to get at it again. It's important to document and I vow to try and be better.
Here are some random quick thoughts and happenings:
-The twin lovelies haven't been terribly well, just a horrid cold that is causing many sleepless nights...6 to be exact. I thought I was coping with the sleep deprivation fairly well until yesterday, then it hit me hard and I felt my feet dragging all day. By the late evening I cried it out. Sometimes I figure it's best to join when the babies are having a good bawl.
- Jack is learning to read. It's wonderful seeing him light up when he recognizes a word in a book we are reading. Peter is learning along with him and is actually the one giving Jack a prompt if he forgets a word....he says, "Great job buddy!", whenever Jack gets one right. I am really loving the great best friend relationship they have.
- A couple of weeks ago I started exercising everyday. I don't really care to discuss the details of this because it's kind of boring, but I wanted to note my absolute favourite part which comes at the end of the work-out. Without fail Peter will say, "You did it Mummy? You're finished?! YIPPIE!" His voice is so excitable, it is just about the funniest thing ever.
- The twin lovelies are 5 1/2 months and just wonderful. They are sitting (although still a wee bit wobbly), rolling everywhere, standing against furniture, and killing themselves laughing at all the mental things my wee boys are doing. Olive particularly enjoys watching the boys have a good wrestle and gets a kick out of seeing Jack jump...she may not be so mellow after all.
- Ryan got to argue a case at the supreme court in Salem, Oregon last month. We were very proud of him...he did a really good job. I, however, was a basket case of nerves as I watched the recording of it online. I was pretty annoyed at one judge that was trying to challenge Ryan a lot, but, of course, that's what they do. It wasn't exactly personal or anything, but I was definitely feeling defensive as I watched it. Ha!
- I said in a post not to long ago that I was "finding myself" again and coming out of the "initial haze" after having the babies. I was really kidding myself. The reality of my new life has been slowly creeping up on me....and let me say this, I truly love this family of mine, but life has become completely, totally, and utterly overwhelming at times.
When the babies were almost 2 months old a dear sweet lady from my ward who had come to help me a number of times made a very innocent comment that catapulted me into a place that really had me struggling and panicked. "The babies are 2 months now, so you should be totally fine now, right?", she said.
I'm pretty sure when I replied with a confident, "yes", I was trying to convince myself more than her that I'd be alright. But I was secretly dying off inside. I don't like the idea of being needy. Really though, most people don't, it's not like I'm the first mother to think I can take on everything and anything.
While I was pregnant with the twins I committed to myself that I would accept the help of those that offered it. Everyone told me that the one piece of advice they could give me was to let people help. So, I did. Most people that offered never actually followed through....that's fine...people have lives and are plenty busy. I had some dear friends that were so kind and helped a lot particularly with the boys. But I also had expectations for myself and I thought I'd be pretty much back to "normal", what ever that is, and taking it all in my stride within a matter of months. I really wanted to just do it all myself again and be successful at it. And I kinda don't think that's such a bad thing either. I mean I have 4 wee kids and I'm their mum, I need to figure it all out and get adjusted to it soon enough. But, goodness my expectations were high! I absolutely thought I was capable of getting everything taken care of around my house every day, that I'd have wonderful positive relationships with everyone, and I'd be a fun, creative mum to my wee lovelies.
To make a long story short, it's taken me longer than it probably should have to learn the need to be more patient with myself. Reading and studying from some of the best books and exercising have been key to my current sane state of mind. Ha. It's going to take many years before I feel like I've got a handle on things around here, but I am making more confident strides towards getting there.
5 comments:
Oh how I love you! And I love the reality of this post! Being a mother is HARD, harder than I ever expected. And being a mother of four, four and under (with twins no less!) would really put anyone over the top! I think we all set expectations for overselves and when we sit down and think about the things we are doing, so many of them don't even matter in the big picture. I wish I was perfect like the glimpses we see of others lives, but of course, none of us really are. I admire your new goals to exercise and take time for personal study. Those are two areas I could certainly improve on. And boy, a good cry does all of us good once in a while. I didn't have twins, but I do tell others that Parker's first year of life was the hardest so far of my motherhood career. I could hardly get anything done and I think it helped when I got to the point where I didn't care so much anymore. It's okay to have breakfast for dinner, at least once per week. It's okay if you don't mop for a month (or more?) Having all the kids home and not in elementary school at all just adds to the craziness of life. But your kids seem happy and healthy and beautiful and you are the best mom they could ever have. I hope that as each one grows and matures things are able to pick up more of a rhythm and you start to feel more "normal," although the thought of your twins at the stage that Parker is in now would make me want to run and hide. They are going to keep you hopping to the point you won't need an exercise routine!!! Just kidding. It'll be great fun because they are so adorable!
Leigh, I think you are doing much better than you think because your kids are always so happy in their pictures! There is not a deadline for you to meet. No one knows what it is like to have 4 very young kids and a set of twins unless they have been through it themselves. Take one day at a time and do your best!Before you know it you will feel like supermom and these hard days will be put behind you and you will more confident. You have a very beautiful family and are doing great!
Oh Leigh! I loved that post!!! I don't have four kids that close in age but I have felt the same way recently! You just voiced it so well! Ironically I found that same two things helpful that you have. My exercise is running and I am addicted...its so nice to feel for thirty minutes that I'm actually getting somewhere...literally, feet moving other than to pick up toys feels good...lol! Also reading....anything...lol! It is so nice to escape for a minute or two and regroup. I told the kids the other day, "mommy needs a time out...sometimes I get to cry too!" So cry it out and keep doing what you're doing! We'll all figure this motherhood thing out and have a few laughs and stumbles in the process. Love ya!
I loved the update on the kiddos. I so wish we lived close so that we could help, and just have time with you all! And I loved reading what you had to say about adjusting, I completely admire you for taking on all that you do. You have a gorgeous family and with so many little ones it is bound to take time to get things to where you feel they are under control.
Once you feel like you have the hang of it, they'll be out of the house. ;)
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